Workplace Civility
The Two Wolves Within
A wise leader is teaching his young apprentices the key to bringing out the very best in others.
“A fight is going on inside all of us,” the wise leader said to his young protégés. “It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.”
“One wolf is evil. He is always angry. He is quick to criticize and lash out. And, when challenged, this wolf is known to speak falsehoods about others.”
The wise leader continued, “The other wolf is good. He is kind with his words. He is thoughtful. He is quick to listen and slow to speak. This wolf wants only the best for others.”
“The same fight is going on inside you—and inside every other person, too.”
Amazed by these wise words, the young protégés thought about this important insight for a minute or two.
Carefully, one young apprentice asked, “Which wolf will win?”
The wise leader replied, “The one you feed.”
Calling All Leaders of LIGHT
As Leaders of LIGHT, we would be wise to take this parable to heart.
Why, you ask?
Because words matter.
Kindness matters.
And civility matters—a lot.
Unfortunately, we are living in a time where this seems to be a serious challenge. (Not only for leaders, but for everyone—and especially in the workplace).
In fact, researchers report (yes, there are actually people who study this stuff) that there are 67+ million acts of incivility played out in the workplace every single day.
Every. Single. Day.
At this rate, there’ll be some 25+ billion acts of incivility at work in 2025 alone!
Talk about feeding the wrong wolf.
Here’s why these statistics matter—and do not miss this.
A full 60% of incivility occurs from the top down.
This means that the majority of the incivility experienced in the workplace is coming from the mouths of leaders.
But there’s more.
Once incivility is initiated by leaders, it is highly contagious in that it cascades all the way down through the ranks until it reaches the front lines.
And here’s where things get really interesting.
Researchers Christine Pearson and Christine Porath in their remarkable book, “The Cost of Bad Behavior” report that 94% of people who experience an act of incivility at work will retaliate.
Ninety-four percent.
How will they retaliate, you ask?
- Almost 100% will seriously consider the benefits and consequences of retaliating.
- 80% will spread gossip and ill will.
- 63% will spend time avoiding and/or stonewalling the offender.
- 60% will selfishly withhold information.
- 50% will decrease their time, effort, and quality of work.
- 30% will sabotage equipment, projects, people, and customers.
- 50% will consider quitting; 1 in 8 will.
And as you might imagine, the costs of all this nonsense are staggering.
In fact, employees who feel they have been wronged at work will spend about 20 hours of work time per incident ruminating on it and deciding what to do next.
What’s more, leaders and managers will spend approximately 13% of their total work time (that’s 7+ weeks/year!) just mending employee relationships.
One Wolf is Vicious. One Wolf is Virtuous.
Even though this all seems overwhelming, there is some good news.
Kindness is also contagious.
In fact, Jamil Zaki writes in a recent Scientific American article, ‘Witnessing kindness also inspires kindness, causing it to spread like a virus.’
Here’s how it works.
When people experience (or even witness) an act of kindness, they experience a natural desire to give back to those who have given to them!
Said differently, while incivility creates a vicious cycle in that people retaliate, kindness creates a virtuous cycle where people reciprocate!
And this is our opportunity as Leaders of LIGHT. It is up to us to stop the madness and restore some dignity, hope, respect, and kindness to the workplace.
Which Wolf Are You Feeding?
To help you get a better handle on the wolf you might be feeding, we’ve created a powerful self-assessment.
This assessment is ten questions long and, after you complete it, you can load your scores on a continuum to see how you are doing when it comes to being kind and respectful—especially in the workplace.
You can download the assessment here.
Leading with LIGHT
Vince Lombardi once said, “Winning is not a sometime thing; it’s an all the time thing…You don’t do things right once in a while… You do them right all the time. Winning is a habit.”
And, as you might guess, this is 100% true of civility—it’s an all-the-time-thing.
It needs to become a habit.
With this in mind, the first step in creating a new habit is to simply remember what you’ve read here and remain aware that you have the power to create kindness instead of chaos.
And it’s all about which wolf you choose to feed.
Until next time: See LIGHT, Be LIGHT, and Spread LIGHT.
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About Lead with Light
Lead with Light is an initiative that aims to equip current and emerging leaders with a reimagined approach to servant leadership.
Our ultimate vision is to grow and develop thousands of Leaders of Light to ignite a movement to see light, be light, and spread light in ways only each can.