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7 Ways to Become Forgivingly Fit

Author C.S. Lewis relates, “Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive.”

It’s absolutely true.

For most leaders, forgiveness isn’t easy.

In fact, at times, it feels more painful to forgive the one that harmed us, than to endure the wrong we suffered.

Unfortunately, when we hold fast our grudges, we soon come to the harsh realization that the one we are really hurting is ourselves.

Dr. Robert Enright, the world’s leading mind on forgiveness, believes that, if we are to have success in this area, we need to become “forgivingly fit.”

To do this, there are a set of core strategies and practices that must be pursued.

Let’s briefly examine seven of them.

Strategy #1: Understand the Consequences

One of the first ways you can become more forgivingly fit is to simply recognize the very real health consequences that can happen to you if you can’t (or won’t) forgive someone else.

In fact, experts at the Mayo Clinic tell us that unforgiveness can increase inflammation and the stress hormone cortisol in the body. It can also affect your metabolism, immune response, and functioning of your organs. What’s more, unforgiveness is linked to serious physical health symptoms such as hypertension and heart health.

But that’s not all.

Unforgiveness can also lead to depression, anxiety, stress, anger, and hostility. 

Ouch.

The point is this.

If you want to get better at forgiving others, it often helps if you understand that it’s in your best interest. 

Never forget the old adage: Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Strategy #2: Get Good Advice

If you want to get better at practicing forgiveness, Dr. Enright also shares that it often helps to talk with others you trust. 

Trusted others can include close friends, mentors, coaches, and therapists just to mention a few.

Here’s how these conversations can help.

When you share your feelings with those you trust, they provide a safe space for you to process your emotions around the hurt you’ve experienced. These conversations also help you to sort out the underlying dynamics of the situation. This ultimately helps you work toward a more compassionate perspective on the person who wronged you.

Powerful stuff.

Strategy #3: Seek Reconciliation

Seeking reconciliation with someone who has hurt you is yet another effective strategy.

But it’s hard.

Nevertheless, actively seeking reconciliation is important because it can help heal emotional wounds, rebuild trust, restore a relationship, and ultimately promote personal growth by allowing you to move forward from the hurt without carrying resentment or bitterness. It can also foster positive communication and a better understanding between all the parties involved; especially if both are willing to acknowledge their roles in the conflict.

But it bears repeating.

It takes a big person to pursue reconciliation and the road to recovery is a bumpy one.  

However, the faster you kick things into gear, the more you will grow.  And the more you grow, the healthier you will become.

Strategy #4: Do No Harm

If you simply can’t bring yourself to pursuing a full-fledged reconciliation, at the very least Dr. Enright suggests you should “do no harm” to the other person.

Specifically, “Do no harm” means to approach forgiveness with the mindset of not actively causing further harm to the person who wronged you. 

When you pursue this strategy, you are saying to yourself (and everyone around you!), “I will act with compassion and understanding, while at the same time letting go of any resentment I may harbor toward this person.”

Even though it may not be a full-fledged reconciliation, Enright believes it is a terrific starting point for cultivating a more forgiving attitude towards others in the future. 

Mahatma Gandhi once wisely said: “An eye-for-an-eye only ends up making the whole world blind.”

Strategy #5: Lead By Example

Mahatma Gandhi once wisely said: “an-eye-for-an-eye only ends up making the whole world blind.” 

Organizational expert Manfred Kets de Vries believes that this quote is especially relevant for people in leadership positions. 

“Leaders have such an important effect on other people’s lives that their lack of forgiveness can create a climate where anger, bitterness and animosity prevent a team, an organization, a society, and even a nation from being the best they can be.”

In fact, Kets de Vries goes on to share that leaders who can’t forgive “will not be the kinds of people who get the best out of their followers.” 

If for no other reason than this, leaders should make it a point to lead by example—and to do it as fast as humanly possible.

Strategy #6: Look Heavenward

If, after pursuing all of the previous strategies, you are still hanging on to hurt and holding grudges, it may be time to look heavenward.  

Fortunately, at the core of almost every community of faith is the importance of forgiveness.

Logistically, a pastor can help you deal with unforgiveness by providing spiritual guidance, offering a safe space to share your pain, using scripture to illustrate the importance of forgiveness, praying with you, and encouraging you to actively practice forgiveness through specific steps like journaling, prayer, and even considering reconciliation with the person you are struggling to forgive, depending on the situation.

Strategy #7: Make it a practice

Last but not least, a great way to become forgivingly fit is to make a practice.

According to Dr. Enright, forgiveness should be like a regular workout routine.  “Just like physical exercise, practicing forgiveness consistently, even in small situations, can help you become better at letting go of resentment and hurt.”

But just like beginning any workout routine, you should be prepared to experience some awkwardness and discomfort.  However, if you don’t give up you are going to reap some serious rewards.

Leading With Light

For leaders of light, forgiveness can be tricky. Everyone says you should forgive, but no one will tell you how, exactly, to do it.

In this article, we presented seven of the best proven, evidence-based strategies that exist.  We hope that you find them useful.  But even more importantly, we hope that you put them into practice.

See light. Be light. Spread light.

Until Next Time...

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About Lead with Light

Lead with Light is an initiative that aims to equip current and emerging leaders with a reimagined approach to servant leadership. 

Our ultimate vision is to grow and develop thousands of Leaders of Light to ignite a movement to see light, be light, and spread light in ways only each can.